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I’ve been completing some deeply disturbing crosswords
I latch onto specific problems and when I do everything else around me diminishes into nothingness until I complete the task at hand. I line these problems up and solve them, one-by-one, and I find updating the task list awfully difficult. If I am on my way to do a job, breaking off to attend to something else is almost impossible. I once finished buttering my toast before putting out a fire by the stove. I once lost a girlfriend after she trapped her fingers in a food processor, and I quietly went over to the fridge and put the milk away before turning to help her. She couldn’t believe that I hadn’t rushed over straight away, but of course it wasn’t really like that. I was unable to review or address my priorities until my mind had freed itself from the current task. I have to manage these tendencies. And I learned at an early age that it helps to focus on discrete tasks that, if things get really bad, I can remind myself don’t matter. That, at least, limits the anxiety of abandoning them. I have my work and that gets me through the day, but outside of those hours I need other things to pull me through. I can paint and read and they’re involving, for sure, but they don’t tend to have the sense of completion that I get from a simple puzzle. Jigsaws, sudoku, word searches, videogames; these all make up part of it but oddly enough it’s crosswords that have taken over my mind. It started because they weren’t too taxing and if I was pushed to cheat then it didn’t really matter. They let me say things like, “Right, I’ll do 9 across while on the toilet and that’s it.” Like most things I put my mind to, I quickly turned the hobby into an obsessive pursuit of completion. The harder they were, the better. If I had to watch a film, read a book, or even visit a real-life location to get an answer, I would. And I credited it all with pushing me out of my comfort zone in order to experience new things. I would have never watched Breakfast at Tiffanies, read Little Women, or visited the London Museum of Natural History without needing to get answers from them. And they were all new experiences for me, some better than others, but I enjoyed the feeling of expanding my little bubble with each new puzzle. Crosswords, like everything, have communities surrounding them and I even found a few friends online. For some, the compulsion to get obscure answers was a vital lifeline to the outside world, and you’d be surprised at some of the cultures lurking at the fringe. A good crossword is more than just a puzzle, it’s a curated string of experiences picked to evoke a deliberate journey. A common example might be the kind of thing some tourists could use to guide them around a city: Below the Phoenix of a Blinded Saint, 8 down. Resurgam – the answer can be found carved on a stone beneath a statue of a phoenix at St Paul’s Cathedral. But what about something like the following: The final song of a thunderous singer, 5 across. The answer was Toxic, the final song lip-synced by a Drag Queen (Daytona Thunder) at a popular club in Manchester. I went a long way for that one and had a surprisingly good night, albeit one a little outside my wheelhouse. But still, I got the answer and it wasn’t like I’d find it just by reading the forums (posting answers is a big no-no if you want to get into the best clubs). The creator was a well-known Queer academic working out of London who has a popular following in the community. I appreciated their work but perhaps not as much as those by one anonymous Berliner. A companion’s lips tasted through the looking glass, 6 across. Her name was Alice and she was an escort for an agency called Intimate Companions. She was wearing Cherry lip gloss, something I found through a process of elimination. Over the last few years I’ve discovered more about myself than I ever would have at home. I have learned that I can lie very well, that when I know who I am meant to be, who others want me to be, I can be confident and even charming. I have learned that I am not a jealous person, that I am not a vain person, and that there are times when I can be as reckless and adventurous as anyone else. I just need a reason to, a job to complete with routes to success I understand. The name of a one-eyed watchmen’s gun, 12 across. There was a policeman—with two eyes, I might add, but the unfortunate Christian name of Dick—and the answer was the serial number of his gun, converted to letters. That was an odd one, but absolutely invigorating. The crossword had been made with clearly defined geographical boundaries which helped (many of us attended it as a communal event although I largely acted alone), and for a moment I almost thought the policeman was in on the game. Right up until he tried to shoot me. Like I said, the experiences can be invigorating. But the good ones, the really good ones, they can be a struggle to find. You have to be accepted into the right groups, often you’ll be vetted, even tested, but the reward can be worth it. I’ll never forget the day I had a hand-delivered envelope deposited at my doorstep and the anticipation I felt opening it, unknotting the brown twine so delicately tied around the heft. God, some of them even had wax seals. I liked those the most. I found the violet and crimson seals delicious to look at. But they were so, so much more than simple puzzles. A principled affair, 5 down. The headmaster of the local school was having an affair with her sister-in-law, Sarah. It was hard to find that out. It wasn’t exactly public knowledge. Frankly, I had to resort to stalking and it wasn’t a good look, but it was a new experience nonetheless and the few times I nearly got caught were quite exhilarating. But what was truly amazing was that this was at the school just a few blocks from my house! You have to understand, it wasn’t just a template handed out to everyone. I still don’t know how big any of these communities really are but I imagine they’re quite small and involve people from all over the world. It was truly remarkable to think someone had laboured over a tailor-made puzzle just for me. There are quite a few groups I belong to now. Some aren’t even organised online, instead requiring that you ferret them out, sometimes as clues in other puzzles, sometimes as their own elaborate games. But there are always more to be found and in the best circumstances, they find you, choosing you out of all the people in the world to rise to the challenge at hand. The right ones will push you to do things you never thought possible. A baker’s jewels, 7 down. Harriet Baker who died in 2012 at the age of 86 and was buried with an emerald necklace in the local graveyard. I still have it, kept away somewhere in a special drawer along with news clippings of the crime. It even has some of the soil from the grave still muddying its shimmering gems, and admittedly they do still smell a bit. But I bet that I know something most people don’t, and that’s what happens to little old Grandma five years after being sealed up in a box beneath the Earth. Not just the abstract, either. I know the specifics, I know exactly what she looks like, smells like, and even what her cold lumpen flesh feels like. I spent years as a child wondering what happened to the many relatives of mine who passed away, but it was an adult I finally found the answer. People have lived their whole lives looking down on me. Teachers assumed I was slow at learning, my parents mourned that I cared more about organising my wargaming miniatures than I ever did about girls or friends, everyone around me treated me like I was a timid mouse in a world of thundering giants. But I’ve lived a more exciting life than they could ever imagine, and it hasn’t been in spite of who I am. Only someone like me could pursue these clues to such dogged ends and I gladly take the bad with the good. The colour of the tea plates served by the Biellier Historical Society, 9 up. Don’t let the name fool you. The Society is a private organisation for some rather unusual gentlemen who serve tea after their annual conference is finished. Crazy bastards, I can see why they need a drink once they’re finished and I’m not surprised half of them didn’t take a seat during refreshments. I’m just not sure I’ll ever look be able to look a farm animal in the eye again. Oh, and turquoise, by the way. That was the answer. I know things very few people know. That’s a rare privilege and, like I said, it comes with a price. It would be ridiculous to think one might look upon the fraying edges of our world without having to face some uncomfortable sights. And you might think the worst of it is a leather-bound orgy in a dungeon or perversions you can safely find on Wikipedia, but there are other lingering truths buried in the Earth and I am one of the few who have seen them. There is always more to learn, always another word to find, another puzzle to complete. And I have come a long way in my education since I first received that letter on my doorstep years ago. The inheritor of Maeson’s oldest home, 6 down. Albert. Albert was the named inheritor of the first house built and designed by obscure architect Harold Maeson. It was not, as almost everyone first expected, the current owner’s first born son named Alexander, but instead the old man’s male sexual interest Albert who was a rather unwilling 17 year old. Perhaps the old man thought it made up for his actions towards the boy he had kept around as a family friend for years, disguising his abuse as mentorship. Either way it caused a tremendous uproar and poor Albert wasn’t exactly thrilled to have his face all over the papers. No one could have possibly known he would be the inheritor. The will was written up in total secrecy, something I spent considerable resources finding out. Credit where it’s due, the old man put up a fight but his death was the only way I would get my answer. I can’t speak for others, but I found the experience quite a revelation. I felt as if I’d learned profound hidden knowledge, a truth about reality found in the glassy bloodshot eyes of a man violently dying. There’s something in there, you know, something that lies just beneath our own reality. I saw a glimmer of it that night, just like I had so many others before it. It’s quite beautiful, a confusing glittering mess of contradictions and unknowable madness. It is, by definition beyond our ability to every truly know but you can still see facets of it, one bit at a time. It’s beautiful. But… well, it’s not always so painless. The missing piglet counted right to left, 5 up. Eight. That was the answer. I spent all night researching fairy tales and children’s rhymes only to fall asleep at my desk sometime around 2 in the morning. When I awoke I had been moved to the sofa and my left foot was raised on the armrest and bandaged heavily. The whole tingled from anaesthesia and it wouldn’t be until noon before I could walk on it again. Anxiously, I undid the white swaddle of blood-tinged gauze and winced at the sight of my mutilated foot. The middle toe on my left foot had been amputated cleanly, the wound sewn up neatly like a cross-stitched grin. Counting right to left, I noticed it was the eighth toe missing and I have to admit I pumped my fist in the air and rejoiced at having the answer. But the experience caught me off guard, and it might not surprise you to know that I have since looked into slowing down and maybe even taking a short break from this hobby. I’ve had to manage these tendencies in the past and I suppose this one should be no different. But there have been some difficulties. For one thing, they won’t stop sending new puzzles to me and it’s all but impossible for me to ignore them. And for another, the clues are becoming increasingly pointed. A sea of white and flakes of gold to flood a castle of ivory, 6 down. Cereal, right? That’s what I thought, at least until I had the unpleasant surprise of discovering a needle hidden in my cornflakes. That, it turned out, was the correct answer and I was lucky to catch it before it wound up anywhere near my mouth. The thought of that thing sliding down my throat or catching in the roof of my mouth, spearing the gum and cartilage, left me riddled with an ever-growing anxiety. Clubs have pushed things in the past, boundaries take a backseat when it comes to pursuing the absolute limit of knowledge. But it felt like such an odd inclusion for the latest puzzle, one that didn’t necessarily teach me anything. If I had the ability to trace it to a single group I might have a better sense of what it was meant to mean, but then again anonymity was always kind of the point. The currency of a strategic withdrawal, 3 up. I initially thought of the military, but in fact the answer was Yen and it turned out that around £50,000 worth of them had been withdrawn from my account (by myself, somehow) at the bank. God knows how that was possible, but it happened and there’s not a lot I could really do about it. I’ve written to some of the groups but as far as I can tell they’re playing coy. I am sorry, one replied. But our puzzles are sent out as part of a weekly newsletter via e-mail. We’re not sure we’ve ever offered bespoke crosswords but we’d be fascinated to hear more if there’s anyone out there who does. It’d interest quite a few of our members, myself included. I received similar variations to this message from just about every organisation I had listed in my ledger and frankly I found the suggestion ridiculous. I’d always assumed those newsletters were part of a front, making it appear as though the focus was on banal little puzzles about obscure military defeats while secretly directing us to brothels and illegal casinos. It made sense, perhaps, that they would maintain the ruse but an acquaintance I called wasn’t exactly reassuring. “Well of course they’re a front,” he said. “Don’t you get the packages? I’ve had a few seedy adventures with those!” “Oh that’s good!” I laughed while breathing a deep sigh of relief. “I was beginning to think… well, I’m not sure what I was thinking.” “Oh yes the packages are very real,” he replied. “The Spring edition was quite a naughty affair, don’t you think?” “Invigorating,” I smiled. “I didn’t even know where to buy a burlap sa—” “Strawberry!? Can you imagine? The Mrs and I had a delight trying out the different flavours.” “What?” “Oh come now man, no need to be shy. It’s quite normal to use… lubricant,” he whispered it like a dirty secret. “Agnes suggested we try it on toast!” I hung up with his laughter still bellowing down the other line. My Spring edition of our shared club was not anything like his. I told myself that it made sense it wouldn’t, they were meant to be custom made for each participant, but it alarmed me to hear that his activities were so dreadfully banal. Most of the clues in that edition had directed me to the consumption of a range of meats including something I scraped off the side of a suspension bridge. Nothing my friend had said to me rang true. Rightly, I should have stopped there. But… but the thing is… it was never really an option, not then and not now. I’m sure you think it’s a silly compulsion or anxiety but it’s not. I can’t do it. It’s simply not in my nature especially not now I know that God-knows-what could be lurking around the corner. I’ve explained this to myself and others before – I am task focused. I needed to finish the job at hand. PO Box 19777, open it from within, 9 down. I found the box with ease but there was no key nor any means to open it from within. Whatever the rationale was behind the puzzle, I thought at the time that the whole affair was beginning to frustrate me. I didn’t see any significant challenge to tracing the address, aside from finding the key which, it would turn out, was very much part of the clue. In fact, I’m still not entirely sure how they did it. I awoke to a sort of gagging sensation one night, dreaming that I had swallowed a tangle of wet hair. Only the terrible retching sensation wasn’t entirely dreamed up. Tied to my canine was a line of floss that I painfully had to pull up from my stomach. It was unnecessarily long, spooling out of my throat in a bloody tangle for a good few metres while I vomited and cried from the struggle. It took nearly half an hour to inch it out while I choked and retched but eventually I regurgitated the key, collapsing afterwards to the floor to heave and sob as I recovered. There was a teddy bear in the locker and I didn’t find it particularly amusing. And, yes, okay, there was a mild satisfaction to getting the answer, but the rest of me was filled with a deep begrudging. I felt like the punchline to a joke that wasn’t funny. A starry orchid’s window of choice, 7 down. The answer was eyeball, and it turns out the consumption of the flower in question causes bloody secretions from the tear ducts, not to mention renal failure. It wasn’t easy to explain that one away, and I didn’t much appreciate the stay at a hospital. The price for that answer may one day be dialysis, but for now I hope that I may still see myself clear of such things. The doctors couldn’t say for sure what the chances were. At the very least I hoped that I might find some respite while interred in a hospital bed, but if anything it made things worse. I was not prepared to be incapacitated for so long with the knowledge that the puzzle was but one clue from completion. I was itching furiously for the last few days, and my doctors were confounded by the state of my heart and were blind to the other tell-tale signs of anxiety. There would be no rest for me until I had finished the puzzle and I swore to myself, swore blind on my mother’s grave, that it would be the last. If things got much worse, I reminded myself, it might not be me who decides what will be my last puzzle. When I arrived home it was with the kind of relief I never thought possible. I am forever learning more about myself and those first few steps through the front door made it clear to me I was in the thrall of some kind of addiction. No matter what the price was, I told myself over and over again that I would pay it and move on. I would change addresses if I had to or pay someone to physically slap the damn pencil out of my hand if I went to complete another crossword! God knows I have the money. I will climb this final hurdle, I told myself, and see it through. And yet… I don’t know. I half-expect there to be some ghoulish double-entendre hiding in the words but for the life of me I cannot see one. It seems more like a hideous joke - one I don’t really understand. I have a possible word choice and it certainly fits but… It’s been weeks and I can’t bring myself to write it in. This is the final clue! The final step at the end of this increasingly desperate adventure and I can’t figure it out. I’m half-tempted to say that I won’t see another answer because I don’t want to finish it. That might be it, surely? I’m an addict. I’ll admit that all too readily and this wouldn’t be the first time I took things too far. It’s just… The handwriting these clues have been written in, 4 down. I keep expecting some terrible interpretation to come true, to find a severed hand by my door, or to awake missing most of my fingers. It’s a strange thing but I have come to find myself ruminating often on the look in the old man’s eyes. For while I am sure that I saw something terrible and beautiful deep within the popping veins of those suffocating retinas, it had not occurred to me until now that something was looking back. And it’s waiting for me to write in the final answer, though God knows it must be wrong for it simply cannot be possible that the answer is ‘mine’.
Hi all :) In these posts I’ll be sharing some of the fun bits of dialogues from the Swimsuit Swordsmasters summer event. They are mostly short and fun exchanges between the characters that you can enjoy reading along with the summaries of the chapters that you can find down here. Here are the summaries of the Las Vegas summer event from last year, done by various good souls. With the exception of the translations by pplovesk and shinyklefkey , most of these were summarized by Itqan Madani on their Facebook. They used to be posted on reddit by kakarot12310 but since the posts have been removed for some reason I'll link directly to Itqan Madani instead. Main chapter summary part 1 Main chapter summary part 2 Main chapter summary part 3 Main chapter summary part 4 Main chapter summary part 5 Main chapter summary part 6 Main chapter summary part 7 Main chapter summary part 8 Main chapter summary part 9, and part 10.Alternative summary with additional tidbits by pplovesk. Main chapter summary part 11alternative summary with additional translation of the final boss’ dialogues and fun tidbits by pplovesk. Extra: Drive in Las Vegas Extra: Fun Jet Tennen Rishin-ryū Extra: Losers’ Lullaby Extra: Gambling Saint Extra: Playing With The Weather (featuring QSH and Iskandar) by shinyklefkey. The new Chaldea Director's first swimsuit event: Goldolf: “I heard you need permission for leyshift so I came to see. What exactly is this? Swimsuit? Swordsmasters? Don’t do pranks more than twice a month. Or has the Japanese heat wave got to you that badly? Ah well, I do understand the wish for a summer vacation. A commander’s job is to ensure the subordinates’ welfare. No benefits, no labor, right? However, however, you see...” “AREN’T WE! IN AN EMERGENCY! SITUATION! RIGHT NOW!? Hasn’t the surface been wiped blank! Where are you gonna find a beach, let alone walking around in swimsuits?! Do you understand!? We ain’t gonna have a summer of our dream where we mess around in some five star resort, are we!” Gudao: “Got it.” Gol: “LIKE HELL YOU DID. YOU GOT NOTHING! Can’t have Swimsuit Swordsmasters if you don’t leyshift to America, how the hell am I supposed to swallow that ludicrousness!? I’m not swallowing that! You’re lucky I haven’t questioned your sanity!” Vinci: “Now now commander, calm down. There there~” Gol: “Telling me to calm down is one thing but stop patting my belly already...” Vinci: “C’mon, haven’t things been like that always? As long as there is a wish to a Holy Grail-equivalent of magical resource, a singularity can emerge. It juuuust happens to be Swimsuit Swordsmasters in America this time. What’s so strange about that? Gol: “... ... hey, am I that guy? Am I the crazy one here?” Holmes: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Well then Commander, you will grant permission, won’t you?” Gol: “Why can you smile with such a straight face... SCARY! YOUR SMILE IS SCARING ME!” Upon arriving at Las Vegas: Siegfried: “This city is false. Everything here is formed from the battle of the Swordsmasters. This city is not unlike a battlefield itself. I feel the call of battle rousing my blood. It’s not within myself, but this Heroic Outfit is speaking to me” Hoku: “(this guy is so cool! I wanna imitate him...) y-yeah, I also feel excited. It’s not me. It’s the swords speaking to me.” Sieg: “I see, you too are burdened by the whispers of the swords. Must be painful.” Hoku: “(No good, too cool! I might be taken away if I let my guard down! No, I can’t let this get to me yet! I still need to become the best swimsuit swordsmaster! I’ll defeat anyone, ancestors, please watch over me!)” Mashu: “why is she all silent now...” Sieg: “she’s facing her destiny. Let us treat her gently.” Mashu: “r-right.” Gudao: “destiny...” Sieg: “that’s right, destiny.” Hoku: (tremble furiously!) Sieg: I understand. Her trembling stance is what the orientals call the battle trance! Hoku: (this man, how much more is he going to make me shaken!?) Hoku: Hehe. (playing cool) Sieg: What a fearless smile. As expected, donning four swords is naught a matter to you. Hoku: (blush more furiously!) Sieg: Oh, she’s in a battle trance again... “The sunlight, the tan, the wet skin, the cute little boys! Summer is the best!!!” (Musashi, being an open onee-san, 2019) Apparently Musashi has been trekking on foot half a day from Grand Canyon to Las Vegas. “No udon, no burger, just walk and walk and walk...” And then she is ashamed to show up in front of us (because event spoiler blah blah blah) so... “H A I, K O N I C H I W A, tourists-S A N! I’m just a regular American Heroic Spirit D E S U!” Sieg: “you’re American...?” Musashi?: “Y E ~ S U! Check out this W E S T E R N bikini, perfect as a cowboy gunman right? K A T A N A & P I S T O L double wielding! O H Y E A A A!” Guda: Option 1: nope nope nope nope nope nope Option 2: nope nope nope nope nope nope And this little gem: Gudao: A bunny suit? / Umm, aren’t you supposed to be a Swimsuit Swordsmaster too? Bunny king: I am Swimsuit Lion King. The great owner of the Casino Camelot. There is no mistake. Why because, my suit... is water resistant.
HIMEJI SURVIVAL CASINO
Anne and Mary scene where Kotaro is able to record their battle tactics (that you definitely want to read): Gang member: wheeze… wheeze… wheeze Finally caught you now. Damn cheeky girl, took me ages to track you down! (perverted laughs) But it was worth it hehehee… Anne: Kyaa~ Don’t~ (monotone) What kinds of depravity would you subject me to? Gang member: What do you mean, what kinds… Hiihiihii, don’t play dumb! Samurai: (menacing giggles) Kukuku… It goes without saying… (WHIPS OUT KIARA P0RN!) We’ll have you read out loud this phantasmal book “Compilation of the Eiten School’s Dharma of Sensations!” Anne: (dumbfounded) Samurai: Of course, you have to read this in a tsundere-like voice that hides the inner ZUKKON LOVE of an osananajimi love interest, understand! Anne: (What the heck is ZUKKON) (TL: “zukkon” means “madly in love”) Anon Warrior: Ah, then I would like to request an onee-san voice pleeze. Lemme explain, you see, I recently became a working adult, and everyday feels like a constant grind full of social responsibilities… So-how-about-a-scenario-where-I’m-a-high-schooler-who-lives-alone-for-some-reason,-then-this-onee-san-would-cling-to-me-and-rant-with-beer-in-her-hand:-“Working-life-sucks~-But-how-can-a-kid-like-you-understand~”-But-when-I-protest:-“Don’t-treat-me-like-a-child!”-she-would-go-ara-ara-fufufu~-then-turn-towards-me-with-a-charming-smile-no-bratty-high-school-chick-could-pull-off-and-whisper-playfully-into-my-ear:-“Want-me-to-treat-you-like-an-adult-then? ♡”-pretty-please! Gang member: You turn into a real motormouth as soon as people ask you about your delusions… Samurai: My bad. Pretend you didn’t hear anything just now. Mary: (dash into the scene!) Seriously! You got me lost in that lengthy rambling too! Mob enemies: Wut!? (promptly get ambushed) Anne: Umm lemme see lemme see… “Indeed. Let us head to the temple.” Mary: Please don’t read that book for the love of God. Gang member: W-Wait… Why do you guys have more members…? Mary: I act as Anne’s equipment. So we’re two people, but still one Servant. Yaaaay. (cute grin) Gang member & Samurai: T-That’s cheating… (drop dead) Anon Warrior: …for the new lady who just appeared… a scenario where an osananajimi that I treated like an imouto who used to hang out with me plea… (dead) Mary: You wouldn’t stop until you die!? (blush) And about that request, why does it have to be an imouto… I’ll do just fine as an onee-san too! Anon Warrior: (crawl up from his grave with a shit-eating grin) Mary: One express ticket to hell for you! (kick him away) After Kotoro’s recording stops, Gudao has an option to respond: “Nevermind their tactics, can I know who that cultured Anon Warrior is?” Later, to trick Anne and Mary using their own tactic, Gudao also disguises himself as equipment to act as baits for the 2 thirsty pirate onee-san. Mashu: Are you going to be okay, Master… Gudao: Please pick up my bones after they finish me. mUSAshi: You’ll be fiiiiine. Neither meat nor bones will go anywhere! Execution stage: Mary: …h-huh? Master! What are you doing here? Gudao: I’m lost… Mary: Geez, you’re hopeless. Wait, if you’re here then you’re also a player right? …huh, equipment? I see, just like me… (blush) Yeah that makes sense. If I fit, then Master should also fit… But… playing the role of equipment… alone all by yourself… Mary: Hmmm~ (scoot closer) Hmmm, mmm hmmm~ (scoot much closer) Anne: (barge in) Hey, I found you! Mary: (startle!) Yikes, Anne! Anne: Hmph! It’s unfair to steal a move on Master in secret. Mary: I’m not doing anything like that. To begin with, aren’t you supposed to be our lookout? Anne: Teehee~ :D I heard Master was in the bamboos, so I just acted on my own without thinking. Mary: Aww, what am I going to do with you :D Welp, all the more fun with just the 3 of us here! Anne: I know right ♪ Anne: (thirsty mode ON) Let’s. Get. It. On. Then ♡ Master, you’re supposed to be equipment, right? In other words, it’s natural to treat you like our belongings, right? Ah. Non non. Of course we won’t go rough on you. We’ll juuuuust gently… Mary: (invade personal space) Hug you… Anne: (invade personal space) And press our cheeks on yours… Mary: (dominate personal space) And do things we normally can’t do with you… Anne: (dominate personal space) Do them lots and lots and lots ♡ Mary: Now, keep your eyes closed okay, Master? ♡ Gudao: Guys… look… The girls: ? Gudao: Sorry. And then of course you gotta beat them up cuz god forbid we ever get laid. MechaEli: (landing down) I have confirmed the tournament announcement. So Mary and Anne have been defeated, right? Gudao: Since when can you fly!? MechaEli: Since forever. This skill was installed as soon as I was manufactured. This is better than summoning the sea with some Noble Phantasm right? (Getting flashback of dolphin railgun: Jeanne: “Yaaay~ I’m gonna filled the world with dolphins! :D” Reese: “DO PHI PHI PHI PHI PHI PHIN!” – translation: incredibly foul-mouthed dolphinspeak that mustn’t be transcribed) Gudao: ...Yeah, you got a point.
(For this part I just wanna comment that Schez takes up the role of the security chief of Pharaoh Casino to help Nito who is currently being possessed by Medjed-sama. Brown girl finally grew a spine for her friend 😭) Gucchan just came out of a date with Xiang from the casino when Carmilla suddenly asks her to join Gudao’s band of phantom theives, so she just beats you up. But then we win instead so she’s like “fine fine what the hell do you want to talk me into”. Carmi: “I know from my research, you lost a big sum in the casino just now right? The lover date just barely healed the salt. Don’t you want to get back at them? This heist will benefit you, because you see, what we’re after is the arrogance of a concept like casino itself.” Gu: “...yeah, now that you mention it, what rubbish. Casino or whatever, rubbish. Why would I have to humiliate myself in puny humans’ rules for play pretend? Getting them back for making fun of me in front of Xiang-sama... very well, such detour may be fun” (cute fang grin) Gudao: (Oops, paisen / She’s surprisingly...) Hoku: Hey hey, wassup with this girl, she’s surprisingly easy to fool! Mashu: No Hoku-san blurting that out is no good! Be flexible, Gu-san! Flexible! Well, their plan to infiltrate the Casino is actually making Gu explode into a bloody mess to scare Schez off. Planning stage: Gu: “So what’s the big plan? As long as it’s not on the level of “No choice but to self-destruct right here!” that some purple-headed strategist’s been doing lately, I’m fine with anything.” Carmi: “...” Gu: “Say something! You’re pissing me off!” Execution stage: Gu: “excuse me, I feel ill...” Schez: “oh no, this is not good ma’am! We must give you medical assist right away or else you might die...” Gu: “...now that I look at it, this place is filled with nothing but white and slippery-looking guys (Medjeds). Wouldn’t it be more fitting to have strong intimidating guys around? This is too all-age for what I’m about to do. Schez: ?? Gu: “I feel ill, ah really ill... Wait this is exactly what that strategist likes to do isn’t it! Hey what the hell I’m pissed!” Carmi: (psst! Stick to the plan!) Gu: “OH YEAH YEAH FINE I’M THE KIND OF WOMAN ONLY GOOD FOR THIS SORT OF THINGS RIGHT HUH?! EXPLODE RIGHT, I JUST GOTTA EXPLODE IS THAT IT?! Fine, here we go. [ETERNAL LAMENT!]” (Splat! Blood rains everywhere) Schez: I-I’m going to dieeeeee! Wait she dieeeeeessss??! And then later when they bait Cleo out she’s all like what the hell is with all the ruckus and why the hell are the patrons screaming “meat...! meat...!”
Assassin Creed: Lip edition #1: Carmi: “QP farming is for plebs. I’m staying in the hotel for beauty treatment. Rather, why would you ask a phantom thief to do anything but to steal. I have no business with Sutengui. “There are no hidden treasures in Sutengui. Only the sound of cheering and empty holograms...” That’s what my Mistress Sensor has whispered to- (rocket punched, dead) Lip: “Failed to detect a surprise attack from behind... is your sensor only good for detecting jewelry? Were you really an Assassin? That’s what you get for wearing a swimsuit not your age... I mean for turning into a Rider.” Assassin Creed: Lip edition #2: Okkie: “GO GO GO! You’re dumb for running alone! No mercy for you, assault from 3 sides! Yep yep, survival games are the best! Sorry Maa-chan, I gotta stretch my limbs sometimes! To begin with, isn’t Sutengui like, that evil casino run by Lambda? There is definitely an evil aura well hidden there... even Hime can see darkness there... Kurohi (black Kiyohime? Third ascension?) said “it’s kinda scary” too... Ah well, today Carmi and Nero let me loose so I’m just gonna de-stress in the woods~! Ora ora, your back is wide open! You’re 10 years too early to join the battlefield beibii!” Lip: “Same goes to you tho. Must be because your belly fat causes you to get slow.” Okkie: “Whaa!? Whatcha mean, I took boxing class and went on a diet properly to prepare for summer you kno- (rocket punched, dead) Lip: “You talk too much. If you’re aiming, keep your breath down and be quite. Were you really an Assassin? I don’t think you can join the cool Archer club with that much meat on your belly...” Assassin Creed: Lip edition #3: Fuuma: ... Lip:... Fuuma: ... Lip:... Fuuma: ... Lip:... Fuuma: ...excuse me. You’ve been following me for quite some time, anything you wanna say? Lip: ... sigh. Assassin class is truly cunning. Noticing me tailing like that... I just wanted to put you down gently... (not sure if rocket punches are considered gentle 🤨) that would have been a hat-trick... could you please read the mood here...” Fuuma: (...but man, that’s really some dress she’s wearing... I can’t look straight... sasuga Vegas... no calm down Koutaro, calm as still water... at times like this, lord Kintoki would keep his cool and look straight without fail...!) (pretty Kinbro would just go beet red too tho) Fuuma: Sorry but I’m in a hurry so I can’t dawdle here. Maybe if there are taxis around... Lip: Oh that won’t be necessary. I have class advantage against Assassin after all ★ Fuuma: A giant...!? (about to say “fist” but he ded) After capturing our Servants, Lip leaves us a threat letter: “I have to wonder how you’d challenge Sutengui with such lame Servants. The “distiny” of annoying flies are to be squashed flat. I’ll be using the three I captured at the beachside. PS: Splitting watermelons is fun.” Then you find out she actually buries those three in the sand to play watermelon splitting with their heads… Lip: At the moment due to some circumstances Melt has turned into a Lancer, so I would prefer that only Saber people would beat her to a pulp. Fuuma: Umm, aren’t you guys sisters? Carmi: What are you on about. This is what siblings are like. Fuuma: :C (Aren’t family members supposed to get along!?) Hoku: Saber class is fine right? Then no need to worry, I’ll take her on! Leave this to us. There is no need for you to concern yourself anymore. Lip: No role for me to play anymore? Isn’t this kind of situation where you recruit me into your party! Right, Gudao? Gudao: If we leave her alone, it might be dangerous... / Lip is definitely our trump card. Lip: Rogue! Passionlip will do her best! Given enough time, I can turn anything into a cube. If push comes to shove, the whole casino can just go poof! Okkie: Yep, she’s a monster. On our side or not the level of danger is the same, Maa-chan T__T Announcer: Welcome to Sutengui. We’ll now perform belonging inspection. Please spare the time to cooperate with us. Gudao: it’s dark... / security is strict... Mashu: yeah... if we don’t hold hands in this darkness we might get separated... Sieg: (boing~) Where are you Hokusai? Are you there? (boing~) What is this smooth and elastic material that the more you hold it the more your hand digs in... (boing~) the texture is so soft, if I have to say... don’t tell me this is... (boing~) the breast muscles...? Hoku: Dummy, that’s Octodad, stop grabbing his head! You can stop holding onto my belt now! After getting out of the dark security check, Siegfried has squid ink on his face... Melt’s casino is pretty hardcore. It converts your EXP into slot tokens without asking and if you lose you’re basically EXP food for Melt. Looks like the day before Gudao gang gets to Sutengui, Blackbeard and Columbus gambled their EXP away and died. Bart: Each coin here is worth 1 million QP. Instead of fraud, they just play big. Returns are big too. If you get a triple the slot machine will eject 10 coins, a jackpot 1000. Do you know what this means? Hoky: Each coin a million... then 1000 would be like, 10 billion QP!? Sieg: No, on the other hand... we could lose 1 million QP in exactly 3 seconds!? Gudao: This woman makes 1 million QP a second...! / This man loses 1 million QP a second...! Koutaro being too much of an good guy: Fuuma: That Alterego (Protea) must originally be a kind hearted girl, she’s just been deceived by that evil factory manager. If we defeat that rider, there shouldn’t be a need to fight her anymore! Columbus: ?? ??? After we kick Columbus’ ass: Protea: uu~ mister factory manager was too noisy, that woke me up...~ but he already kicked the bucket...? He didn’t even seem like he put up a fight... but I’m glad everybody else is okay! ... so let’s p l a y a w h o l e l o t, o k a y? Even if I make a little mess, Melt will fix it for me! Fuuma: Huh!? Shouldn’t she be a good girl at heart?? Gudao: To begin with why would you even have that kinda idea / (oh, right, he didn’t know she went nuts on the skate ring earlier) Melt’s plan getting sabotaged and her losing her cool is funny xD Melt: The day has finally come... In just an hour everything will be mine. Though some little things remain, everything must come to an end. A star is destined to retired as a star. A bird never fouls its nest before abandoning it. For a swan like me, this is the perfect way to end things. ... Hehe, hahahahahahaha! Ah geez, this is awesome! Nothing beats how happy I’m feeling right now! The biggest nuisance BB is gone, no other annoying boss characters left either! Yay! And then... Announcer: Fire broke out at the factory. The manager has run away. Protea, scouted to be the giant kaiju has been put down. Cannot compress EXP points to Melt-sama. Recommend starting all over. Melt: Hey Siri, come again? My brain couldn’t compute that just now. Announce: Repeat. You lost everything. Please redo the whole thing. Melt: .......that so. Well, what happened happened. No I’m cool, I’m perfectly cool. This is Gudao’s masterplan isn’t it. I expected no less. (menacing lip licking) But I still have my turn you know? Right now I’ll go upstage and drain each and every member of the audience. Should be enough of a level-up to beat you pests into a pulp, right? Announcer: I think you should say “Hey Siri, tell me the bad news” now. Melt: ...Hey Siri, tell me the bad news. Announcer: For some reason all the audience is gone. Currently, all Melt-sama has in your possession is a flat (read: pettanko) zero. Melt: Hey Siri, eat shit and die! Turns out the Gudao group shout to the audience that not only should they should leave because of danger, since Melt is unable to perform, they will instead host an equally beautiful “golden songs from Her Majesty Nero, or rather 10 songs, no make it a 3-day 3-night all-you-can-listen-until-you-faint show!” Nero: wow! To be able to convince the audience to leave so quickly, the MC must have conveyed my direction really well! Fuuma: (looks to me they’re running away in fear, but I should probably avoid pointing that out...) Part 2 will prolly cover Jeanne's dolphin railgun and Okita's ridiculous backstory :D
In the endgame, lots of things become pointless / have no value. The following currencies for instance become essentially pointless:
guild coins. once guild tech is maxed, you just throw them at the store for heroes, this is redundant
stone of void. you probably didn't know they were called this, so lets call them "celestial island building materials."
Response to Reality #1
People have been clamoring for revisions to Celestial Island and Guild Tech for AGES because these currencies pretty much lose all value after you've unlocked everything in the respective areas. Problem is, even if you expand celestial island or guild tech, eventually you'll have the same thing happen... again... and again. The solution to this is to eliminate these (and other) currencies, instituting a universal currency for all of them. Rather than having exclusive currencies for each section of the game, have a standard currency which is used in many sections of the game.
There are WAYYY too many stores in the game. Because there's wayyy too many currencies. There's 16 stores by my count (and i might've actually missed some.. because... there's just wayyy too many of them to keep track of). The following are stores: Random:
Summoning Circle (spend scrolls for random heroes) Prophet Tree Summoning (spend profit orbs for random heroes / shards) Prophet Tree Replacing (spend hero and prophet's blessing for new random hero) Wishing Fountain (spend casino chips for random stuff) Seal Land (spend crystals for random elite heroes) Tavern (spend tavern scrolls for all sorts of random stuff)
Marketplace (spend gold and gems for all sorts of stuff) Wishing Fountain Store (spend wishing fountain lucky coin for equipment or heroes) Alter (spend heroes for alter tokens and therefore, more heroes) Arena (spend victory tokens for all sorts of stuff) Aspen dungeon (spend gold and gems for all sorts of stuff) Brave trial (spend dragon scales for stuff) Feather store (spend feathers for heroes, artifacts, or skins) Broken spaces (spend challenge badges for different types of rewards) Guild (spend guild coins for all sorts of stuff) Celestial Island (spend stone of voids to build buildings and therefore, increase income generation)
Response to Reality #2
Do we really need that many different stores? And that many different currencies? I don't think personally so. This aligns with my currency simplification thoughts from Reality #1 above. Less currencies... less stores. simpler life.
The balance in this game is total crap. We all know it's crap. 95% of the best teams use some combination of 10 or so different heroes. All other heroes in the game "aren't worth building." This IMO is the main problem with e5 coming out. It's only going to make this issue more evident since the time and resource investment for maxing out heroes increases exponentially. Heroes that "aren't worth building" will be relegated even further into the "fodder" category... and many heroes that used to be worth building up as secondary heroes, will likely get added to that category. Heroes like Rosa, Barea, Blood Blade... who have some function and value in PVE, will likely be discarded in the push to acquire the 316 necessary heroes required to e5.
Response to Reality #3
RNG only really works as a system when there is game balance. Look to other hero / team building / gacha games that have RNG, and nearly all of them have better balance than Idle Heroes does. Most of them also don't allow using multiple versions of the same hero on your team (6 aida or 6 valkyrie teams wouldn't exist). RNG works in those games, because while you might not get the RIGHT 5 star hero, you can still enjoy the game because the 5 star hero you get still has value and can be used successfully by the skillful player. Ask yourself, what's really the difference between a 9 star dummy and a 9 star gusta? If we all agree there is no real difference, then why does the latter even exist? That to me, is the problem with this game. That to me is why people are bored. Players are funneled into building the same heroes as everyone else, because they're the only heroes that are worth a damn. It's a serious shame that the developers spent so much time to develop so many incredibly unique heroes to only see a handful of them ever used. So what can be done? Well... aside from entirely revising game balance to make more heroes viable, while not breaking others (which if I'm being honest, I don't have ANY faith that DH is capable of doing), the only other option is to remove MUCH of the RNG element from the game. Embrace the fact that people only want to build maybe 10-20 different heroes, and just let them do it in an equitable way. Leave summoning the way it is. Leave Prophet summons the way they are. Some RNG is fine. But get rid of 5 star shards and 5 star elite shards entirely. Anywhere they're dropped, given, attained, etc. put an appropriate number of feathers there instead (as i'll outline below). Let people buy the heroes in the feather shop that they want. It'll still take time... it'll still take effort and work. But it'll add value and tangible reward for effort. Consider that 2 people can play the game with the exact same effort and one can end up with 6 valkyries straight from 5* epic hero shards while another might end up with 6 straight emilys. If balance existed, and emily and valkyrie were both viable heroes, this would be fine. But they aren't, so it's not. *NOTE* I'm distinguishing between the casino / gambling / luck elements of the game and the "work for it" elements of the game here. RNG has no place in a situation where people are doing equal work.
So ... how do we fix everything from above and make the game better (without entirely overhauling it)...? Step 1:
- Multiply the cost of everything CURRENTLY in the feather store by 10. Heroes that cost 80 now would cost 800 after. Artifacts would cost 1000, and skins would cost 300. (you'll see why soon). - Multiply the rewards of all events which CURRENTLY award feathers by 10. (ie. completing all tavern quests would award 50 feathers instead of 5)
Step 2: Eliminate the following currencies, and the stores associated with them:
a) crystals (seal land) b) soul stone shards (alter) c) glory coins (arena) d) dragon scales (brave trial) e) guild coins (guild store) f) stone of void (celestial island) g) lucky coin (wishing well / casino store)
- remove all 5 star hero shards and 5 star elite hero shards from the game. Anywhere they appear (as rewards or random prophet orb results, etc.), place the appropriate number of feathers instead. Scale would be as follows: 50 5* hero shards (ie. one summon) = 400 feathers 50 5* epic hero shards (ie. one epic summon) = 600 feathers 50 5* light / dark epic hero shards (ie. one epic light / dark summon) = 800 feathers
- GAMEPLAY MECHANIC ALTERATION: 10 normal casino spins automatically gives 1 free super token (similar to how 100 heroic summons automatically gives 1 free 5 star summon). - all other currencies / rewards from Step 2 (ie. lines a through f) are changed to feathers. - all unique store content (special arena avatars for example) are added to the feather store - add class specific equipment sets to the feather store - add a feather to gem exchange feature to the feather store (where you can exchange feathers for gems at a set ratio) - add all 5 star heroes which aren't currently in the feather store (the "non-epic" 5 star heroes), into the feather store. Make their cost 400 feathers each.
a) SEAL LAND seal land grants feathers per "smash" instead of the current crystal currencies. 4 star shards are left as is. At level 1, 1 feather is gained per smash. As each additional "smash" is unlocked, 1 additional feather is given per "smash." So assuming no gem spending for additional smashes:
At the current rate of 100 gems / smash, p2w with (level 11 of seal land unlocked) would have to spend approx. 20k gems to have enough feathers to buy a light / dark hero in the feather store. That seems within the right ballpark of where DH seems to value these heroes, as normal 5 star hero shards cost ~5000 gems. b) ALTER alter rewards for shredding heroes would be changed as follows:
- dismantling 3 star hero gives 1 feather - dismantling 4 star hero gives 2 feathers - dismantling 5 star hero gives 25 feathers
*NOTE* There is a rolling event where special heroes become available for purchase in the Alter for soul stone shards. This is the only event that would be impacted by any of my changes, but it's an easy remedy. Rather than making special heroes available in the alter every few weeks (as they currently do), just make those weeks instead be a "feather discount" on those heroes in the feather shop. 10% or 20% cost reduction or something along those lines. c) ARENA arena awards would be altered as follows:
1 feather will be given in place of every 4 victory coins (ie. for finishing number 1 for the week, currently you get 800 victory coins. under the new system, you'd instead get 200 feathers. 800 divided by 4). Trial of the Champion, and Team up awards will follow the same method. Whatever current arena token amounts are issued as rewards will be divided by a factor of 4, and those will be the number of feathers awarded.
d) BRAVE TRIAL recent brave trail changes are dumb. new brave trial is worse than before imo. My proposed change is simple: get 1 feather each for completing every stage. In addition to that, at stages 3, 6, 9, 12, and 15, get an extra bonus of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 feathers respectively. The breakdown of feathers gotten for various finishes is as follows:
If you make it all the way to stage 15, you'll therefore get a total of 30 feathers. But there's no buffs, no revives, no heals, none of that other nonsense that they recently added in. It's an endurance test. You make it as far as you can with the heroes that you've got. Brave trial used to reward building balanced teams rather than just rushing 1 hero to max level while the rest sit at 9 stars. It's best in that function. If people are struggling, it's probably because their team is not balanced. There's already rewards in many other areas of the game for rushing 1 or 2 strong heroes to the level cap while sacrificing depth and balance (aspen dungeon, tower, arena, celestial island, etc.). Brave Trial WAS the ONE game feature that rewarded team balance. I think it should continue to do so. e) GUILD Feathers will be used to upgrade guild tech going forward
- rather than having a timer countdown, guild mill is changed to run on a daily basis (similar to how event raid is). - feathers per mill contract start @ 1 per contract and increase by 1 at mill level 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10 (so you'll get 5 feathers / contract @ max mill level) - the number of contracts remains unchanged (max of 5 contracts @ level 10)
As all of the above stands, if a player were to do 4 smashes of Seal Land at level 11, make it to brave trial 15, collect from a level 10 (max level) guild mill, participate in 4 guild raid fights / pray for fire fights, and finish the day in the 21-50 ranking in the arena, they'd get 20+30+30+12+5 = 97 feathers. That person would be able to buy a hero that would cost 600 feathers (like valkyrie) under the new system in just about 6 days. "But SnugglyPolarBear!" you say, "that seems sort of outlandish!!" But when you consider that feathers will have completely replaced ALL random 5* shards, and will have to be used for guild tech upgrades and celestial island upgrades, you'll see that the currency will have to be stretched a lot further. With all random 5* shards removed, the only way to get 5* heroes is fusing up 4* heroes, summoning (with scrolls or prophet orbs), and spending feathers... spending feathers will become an integral and essential piece of the puzzle as we all try to collect the necessary 316 5* heroes that will be required to e5 a single hero. While it may be easier to get the copies of heroes you need, getting fodder will still be an enormous grind. Putting this all into context, if after getting your 9 valkyrie copies in 2 months (getting 1 every 6 days means getting 9 will take 54-60 days) via feathers, you decide you want to use feathers to summon the necessary 5* fodder to make her e5... even at 400 feathers each (exchanging for the "fodder" 5* heroes), it would cost you about 122,800 feathers. I don't need to tell you how long that'll take to accumulate. This new method is meant to allow players to get the heroes they like while adhering to the current status quo for hero values. It's not some sort of cheating fan plan to god mode the game. The current grind will still exist... just in a less convoluted form. This plan is just a matter of creating tweaks to make the game more interesting and accessible to everyone. This will give people the freedom to customize their game experience as they want to. If you choose to spend your feathers on copies of heroes so that you can level up your team fast, you'll have to sacrifice celestial island and guild tech development. That'll make it harder for you to earn gold and gems, and difficult to use your heroes effectively in combat. If you wish to exchange all of your feathers for gems and pump gems into buying materials for events (casino tokens, heroic scrolls, etc.), you can do that. If you wish to play in a balanced way, you can do that. The game instantly becomes more interesting, more dynamic and substantially less stale. You're welcome for fixing your game DH.
I proposed a plan to fix Idle Heroes so that it doesn't suck as much.
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Warning: People say TapJoy is a notoriously bad company who will fight you tooth and nail not to pay out the reward if something goes wrong. I was pretty lucky here, but people hate them for a reason.
I thought it'd be useful to compile a list of games that people have tried through TapJoy and what kind of strategies people used to most efficiently get to their goal. I'm going to be straight up - unless you really enjoy the side game you're playing, you're going to feel like it's a waste of time and not worth the gems. I'd only really recommend these TapJoy games to people who are F2P or pact players, or for dolphins with some extra time on their hands. While doing these offers it's easy to suffer from a sort of mobile game burnout. Even playing Alchemist Code was exhausting me. There is a time limit for some of these challenges (it differs per game, so be mindful of it when you start the challenge), you can only pick one challenge per game, and it has to be a new account in the game. I did not spend any money on any of these games. I spent as much time throughout the day as I could on each game, which was probably about 2 hours a day. For all of these games, my strategies reflect trying to achieve the challenge ASAP. If you end up liking the game and want to keep playing, some of these strategies may not be optimal, because they require using resources that you'd otherwise want to save. I would recommend keeping the game installed until after you get your pay-out, and try not to fall below the challenge threshold until you get your payout. Also, I did notice that I got the same offers on my iPhone after I already completed the offer on an Android device. So these may be repeatable across platforms, but I haven't tested this, and knowing Gumi, there's a chance they'll think you're cheating. Here is another great thread that goes over TapJoy offers. Finally, the jewel rewards listed here are based on what can be obtained on an Android device in the U.S. Other countries or platforms may provide differing rewards, so if you find that the reward is different than what is listed, just weigh your reward amount versus my time spent to see if it's worth it for you.
Final Fantasy XV: A New Empire
10K power (shortest, 579 gems), level 10 citadel (medium, 850 gems), 100K power (longest, 1428 gems) I picked 100K power
Jewels Obtained/Time Spent Ratio (Higher is Better)
This is actually a pretty efficient offer. Unlike Lords Mobile, the limiting factor on building up your empire is resources, not time. This makes it much faster to progress. This was the first TapJoy offer I picked up, and maybe because of that, I didn't mind it too much. I've played these sort of kingdom builder games in the past, so it didn't take long for me to catch on. One thing I hated is that the game is VERY in your face about in-app purchases. I minimize and maximize games a lot; and every time you go back into this game, there's an IAP offer shoved in your face. It's annoying, but a small price to pay.
I went for the 100K option, so my strategy is geared towards that. You're going to want to make the following buildings:
4 energy extractors
1 hospital ward
Quarries are the most important here, because it's the most used resource. You're going to want to build the buildings above, then level up your citadel whenever possible. This lets you upgrade your buildings to match your citadel level. Outside of that, you can follow the buildings that the game recommends, as those will pay out rewards. You're going to use your training grounds to make as many siege weapons as possible, as these units hold the most resources. When you open the map view, you'll see resource nodes throughout. You can send your troops to these nodes, and they'll slowly gather that resource type. You'll also see monsters on the map. It's important to attack these monsters, as they'll give you additional resources. Always attack once at a time - don't do the high energy attack. Keep an eye out for the events going on as you play. There are events for building, researching, training, and attacking monsters. If possible, spend your resources on whatever activity type is going on for that event. You only get points when you finish the building/research/troops, so plan accordingly. These events can pay out with useful resources, speed-ups, or shields. Joining an active guild is very important. When you're building or researching you can ask for help - everybody who gives you help shortens the build/research time by a minute. Further, when asking for help, and when giving help to others in your guild, you get guild coins that you may use for useful items like speed-ups or resources. Getting into a good guild right from the beginning probably won't happen. The "open" guilds, that allow anybody to apply, are usually pretty inactive; but you may need to start off here. After you've built up a little bit, and if the guild isn't active, leave and rejoin a closed group. You want a guild with active members who hit that "ask for help" button often, since that's where you get your guild coins. One of your most important buildings, in terms of power gain, is your wall. Do not build the "reinforced wall" unit inside of the wall building. Instead, wait until you've researched traps, and then build nothing but traps. Traps give 4 power each, whereas the walls only give 1. Just keep upgrading your resource buildings and building siege units and traps as you slowly upgrade your citadel. When you get to citadel level 9, you should have enough shield items to keep you shielded permanently from now until you hit 100K. So make sure you always have a shield active and just rush for 100K by building a lot of units. Forget about research. You had also may as well start using all of your speed-up items to reach that goal ASAP. After you get your payout, if you had a good guild, do them a favor and donate your resources.
Gather 50K timber on the map (136 gems), reach player level 25 (442 gems), castle level 11 (595 gems), castle level 12 (769 gems), castle level 14 (1530 gems) I picked level 14 castle
Jewels Obtained/Time Spent Ratio (Higher is Better)
I actually liked the gameplay in this game better than FFXV: A New Empire. It has a couple of extra modes that make the game more enjoyable, though it's otherwise the same game with a medieval fantasy theme... but there is one other big difference... BUILDING THINGS TAKES FOREVER. For example, building up my citadel required me to level up my wall, which required me to level up my forge, which required me to level up my mine... and each of those start taking at least 15 hours towards the end.
I went for the level 14 citadel option, so my strategy is geared towards that. In this game, you want to build up a bunch of farms. Most of your resource income will come from the resource nodes that you see on the map, and not from actual resource production. In your resource build slots, build one timber mill, one mine, one quarry, and then nothing but farms. You'll unlock the rest of your base by beating some NPC enemies. As you do that, you're ultimately going to want just one barracks, three infirmaries, and the rest Manors. Any additional resource nodes you unlock should be more farms. Joining an active guild is very important. When you're building or researching you can ask for help - everybody who gives you help shortens the build/research time by a minute. Further, when asking for help, and when giving help to others in your guild, you get guild coins that you may use for useful items like speed-ups. Getting into a good guild right from the beginning probably won't happen. The "open" guilds, that allow anybody to apply, are usually pretty inactive; but you may need to start off here. After you've built up a little bit, and if the guild isn't active, leave and rejoin a closed group. You want a guild with active members who hit that "ask for help" button often, since that's where you get your guild coins. You're going to be in a bit of a time crunch in this game, because getting to level 14 citadel takes a long time. Ignore the suggested buildings. Instead, look at what your citadel needs for the next level, and go for that. Then just keep doing that. The ONLY exception is that you want a level 9 Academy ASAP. This lets you get tier 2 troops, which is a necessity between citadel levels 9-14. Anyway, as you get towards the end, the buildings start taking a VERY long time. This is when you're going to start using those speed-up items. Do not claim your "Turf Quest" rewards until you get a "+25% Player XP" boost item. I forget what got me that; but once I got that I used it and claimed all of my Turf Quests in order to get a ton of level ups. When you level up your hero, beeline towards Construction I, max it out, and then go for Construction II, and max it out. After that, go for Research I and Research II. Other than that, it doesn't really matter. For units, I'd go with a fairly even mix, mostly to help you beat the NPC enemies in your turf. Since resources are so abundant, don't worry too much about the fact that siege engines and infantry carry more than archers or cavalry. Go through the little dungeons to keep your heroes leveled up and equipped, and then use the heroes to attack monsters on the map. Always attack once at a time - don't do the high energy attack. Monsters can drop ever valuable gems or speed-ups. After you get your payout, if you had a good guild, do them a favor and donate your resources. :Edit: XXAlastairXX pointed out that if you don't mind spending $9.00: "buy the 99 cent bundles 4 times and one of the 5 dollars ones. I forgot which one but buying all those in Lords Mobile made getting the castle to level 14 so easy. You could probably do it in 30 minutes."
Empire and Puzzles
Beat level 51 (province level 7)
Jewels Obtained/Time Spent Ratio (Higher is Better)
Similar to Bejeweled/Candy Crush, but the jewel combinations will hit enemy units, who are attacking you. There's a gacha system to get better units. There's also a sort of base-building mechanic, but you don't really attack other people/get attacked in the same way as in a kingdom builder game.
I pretty much only picked this game up because my Fiancée plays it. I probably enjoyed it more than I otherwise would have because of it. It's pretty easy until you get to province 7, and then you'll need items to progress, but that's not a problem. If you like Bejeweled or Candy Crush, go for it - but otherwise, the small payout isn't worth the time investment. I do like that the game has an auto-battle mechanic that you can use when fighting normal enemies or when fighting titans.
The game gives you a starting roster who will be decent enough for the most part. I kept the Fire element healer, but otherwise swapped out all my other 1 star characters. In the end I had Bane (3* light), Tyrum (3* dark; I got lucky with a daily pull, your 2* Layla should be fine), Needler (2* green), Ragnhild (2* blue), and Sharan (1* red). As you turn in jewel combinations during battles, heroes of the color of that combination get mana, which they may use to cast special abilities. You can get more characters by beating levels, or, more commonly, by training them through the training camp. Before you get to level 4 training camp, you'll constantly hit the manpower cap. Don't worry about this too much. At level 4 training camp you can basically queue up all of your manpower into the camp, so that it will slowly churn out common/uncommon recruits for you throughout the day. You level up your heroes by feeding other heroes into them. If you feed them units of the same element, it provides additional experience. There's also an unfortunate chance mechanic here: each time you feed units to your hero, there is a chance that their skill will level up. If you feed a copy of the unit to itself, that's +25%, and then each other unit will give +2% for the same element, or +1% for an off-element. For this challenge, the Forge building is probably more important than it otherwise would be. You want to get your Forge to level 4 for the arrow item; level 5 is also useful for the better healing potion. As we get towards the end of this challenge, these items will be absolutely essential to completing the stages. You should be able to beat province 6 with fairly minimal use of items, except for maybe some minor healing potions. I feel like at province 7, level 5, things started getting harder. This is when I started needing to use the arrows at each group of enemies. This made the stages much easier. Joining a good guild in this game isn't as important as in the kingdom building games. When you're in a guild, there are raid monsters called titans that show up. If the guild kills them, you get some rewards. When your guild kills five of them, you get a bonus treasure chest. That's nice, but not a necessity. So joining and staying with an open guild should be fine enough.
Legendary: Game of Heroes
Reach rank 20
1 day* (I got my payout for reaching rank 14, even though the challenge said to reach rank 20)
Jewels Obtained/Time Spent Ratio (Higher is Better)
Similar to Bejeweled/Candy Crush, but the jewel combinations will hit enemy units, who are attacking you. There's a gacha system to get better units.
This is similar to Empire and Puzzles. The art style is better, but I think it lacks some of the charm that Empire and Puzzles has. There's no story in the game at all, and there is no base building. It all feels really bland, like you're just aimlessly going through the motions with no real goal. The jewel combining aspect is different from Empire and Puzzles for the better - you can combine jewels diagonally, and when you combine jewels you have a period of time where you can either make additional combinations, or move one jewel to an adjacent location. Your characters then attack randomly, rather than the jewels going out in front of you like in Empire and Puzzles. This is nice since you don't ever feel like you're stuck in combat.
The game will give you a choice for your starting character. I went with the blue one, but I doubt it matters much. You'll be able to go through the initial levels very easily. The color and type of tower will correspond with the enemies that you will fight. The sort of normal stone towers are green enemies - other than that, it's pretty self-explanatory, red towers are red, blue are blue, etc. So you'll want to use characters of the opposite element type (red > green, green > blue, blue > red, dark and light beat each other), if possible. After a little while, it'll allow you to join a guild. Joining a decent guild is a pretty big one here. When you're in a guild, you can use guildmate's characters, which then go on a 24 hour cooldown. So getting into a guild where a lot of people have good units for you to use is pretty important, since their characters will basically solo any levels you come across. A lot of times I'll use a roster full of characters opposite of the map that I'm playing, and then a mercenary of the same color as the tower, or a light or dark mercenary. The mercenary should be able to solo anything, unless maybe it's their opposing element. So by having a mercenary that doesn't match your team's color, you can make use of two different jewel colors rather than having your entire team be one color and have most gems being useless to you. Just keep progressing through the story. Open up the 500 gem hero promo packs whenever you get the gems for it - chances are, whatever you get here will be better than the common/uncommons you've been picking up along the way. I only bother upgrading the heroes I get from these packs, as well as the starting hero that I picked. I got the reward when I got to rank 14... not sure if that is a bug that affected just me or if everybody would get that. I can't imagine my strategy would have changed much between ranks 14-20... just keep chugging along through the campaign.
Jewels Obtained/Time Spent Ratio (Higher is Better)
I'm not a fan of casinos, so virtual casinos are especially "meh". The game does have an auto-play mechanic, but you need to be semi mindful of the game because you have to click on the screen occasionally for timed events. I really didn't like this game. It's basically just hogging up your phone's time for what seems like a very unneccesary reason. This one is really going to make you wonder, "Why am I doing this for 300 gems?"
While you're playing, these little balloons will sometimes appear from players playing at your same row of slots. That said, I like to sit at a row with two or three other players on Emerald 7 (at MGM) or Forbidden 7 (at Mirage), then auto-bet at the lowest bet amount (though betting more does give more XP per spin). I have my volume turned up and my phone next to me to hear the little balloon appear, then you have to click on it above your avatar's head. This will give either chips, experience, or loyalty points (which can be claimed for real life casino trips, but meh). Occasionally a little free spin mini-game will appear if someone in your row gets three "Free Spins" on their slot machine. Those games can pay out a lot. As soon as you unlock the Mirage casino, go there. One of the Free Spin games that you can get there is a double XP boost. You're going to need to be very mindful of the free 100k chips that come in every two hours. Getting these are going to be vital to completing the challenge in time. You do get something like 400k once a day, but if you're not snagging the two hour chips, I don't think you'll be able to do this in 7 days. Since this game requires that you leave it running to earn progress, I would combine it with another game allows you to make progress while idle (so basically any other game reviewed here).
Reach level 40 (216), Get 2 5* heroes (239), Enhance Power to 10,000 (199) I picked reach level 40
Jewels Obtained/Time Spent Ratio (Higher is Better)
Gacha, idle turn-based RPG
I actually kind of enjoyed this one. It was a breath of fresh air after kingdom builders, puzzle games, and a casino game.
I wouldn't recommend picking the "get two 5* heroes" challenge, as that is going to be luck-based. I dunno about you, but for a difference of 23 gems, I'd have the guaranteed "reach level 40" challenge. I had no five star heroes by the time I got to level 40. Anyway, the game's tutorial pretty much tells you what you need to know. Just keep upgrading your team of heroes and auto-equipping them. I wouldn't bother spending resources on heroes that are 3* or less unless you got nothing but 3* heroes from the free 3 heroic summon scrolls you get early on. I would recommend getting as far as you can by playing the game manually. When you've hit a point where you're out of upgrade glue or gold, and you still can't beat the level you're on, then just come back to the game in a few hours or so. You can then press the green "Get" button on the level that you're at. That should give you enough materials to make it a couple more levels in - then just repeat the process. Switch out your 3* heroes for 4* heroes or better as you get them.
[Web Game] Who's That Pokemon?
0 (should have been 22)
About 30 minutes
This was a "Who's That Pokemon?" web quiz with 40 questions. The page was absolutely riddled with ads, and then you'd have to click next twice to get to the next question. It was an unpleasant experience, and even when I was expecting the payout, I was thinking to myself that it wasn't worth it.
The quiz never paid out. I got to the last question and then there was no next or finish option. So I just had to kind of close the browser. I didn't reach to TapJoy about it. I'm not sure if they would have even been helpful if I had. As a result, I'd recommend avoiding any quizzes or web-based offers.
About a minute
These are a really easy, guaranteed way to get 1 gem... but like... it's 1 gem. I'd only do these if you're 100% F2P, and even then it's probably not worth your time.
I get that your best odds to win at blackjack long term is card counting and favorable rules but I was wondering on average what is a good number for the average players house edge they have to gamble against And I was also thinking... theoretically depending on how you play and with some luck and aggressive betting at the right time... you could be profitable significantly short-term if the house edge is only 2% [ Tell me if this is wrong by the way and why because I would like to know more info ] Because although the house edge is unfavorable it's far from insurmountable and there are way worse odds/ house edge in other games I was playing a childhood game of mine but on a private server an RSPS.. and it had a dice rolling npc and the odds were horrible.. I can't remember the name of that RSPS or the exact odds but I'm pretty sure it was like 40% chance to win and double your bet... 1% [on 100 roll] to triple your bet... and 60% chance to lose your bet and it had 1 minimum no maximum which is ideal.. the 1% to triple the bet is included as a win.. Obviously this game long term is suicidal... but I played it short term to medium term and I would have big losses sometimes... but somehow I would not only be able to recover and make huge profits to the point where I could afford anything in the game easily... I [since it had no cooldown ] I could sort of sense a win streak and time it right [though I think I just got lucky but that's not the point because it wouldn't be a one off thing.. I noticed this would happen many times I would play that seemed to exceed the chance of it happening [although I didn't do formal calculation ] ] I could bet min min and when I thought it was the right time start off with a big or massive bet and win but continue it with a double or nothing really quick... and in a short amount of time increase it by double multiple times in a row within that time frame.. I also noticed whenever I would wait usually I would lose for whatever reason [ I suspect it is because timing is everything and timing isn't a coincidence or meaningless ] People are born at the right time and die at the right time due to their health, diet, etc etc... I also had prebirth memories and instantly knew how to read english and knew about subjects I had never read before [ not because I'm a genius either cause I'm not... I think it's because of past lives and reincarnation ] [ ALTHOUGH I DO NOT remember my past lives [assuming I had some ] AT ALL ] but I oddly enough remembered other things.. and ideas... The sex pistols.. math... standard deviations.. statistics.. random subjects.. and it didn't happen when I was 2 years old like most kids who have incredible recall on things they hadn't experienced yet since being born.. It was pretty much instant for me.. before I even turned one years old ANYWAYS back to what I was talking about... The advantage for a break even [50% chance to double 50% chance to lose ] I was working against was 10%.... and that might not sound massive but when you play enough games that you have a 40% chance to win and double and a 60% chance to lose your whole bet... It will feel massive even if after a large[r] sample size you are in the green by a significant amount Ultimately what I'm wondering is if you are playing against a 2% house edge at what sample size will most players be screwed at in terms of being in the green --- let alone significantly positive / in the green.... and how doable is making significant profit against a 2% house edge [ obviously you wouldn't keep playing because it's basically inevitable to lose it all even on a game you have a 50% chance to win and double it or 50% chance to lose your bet the longer you keep playing Also I noticed something similar would happen when I played this one slot + card guessing app called titan slots.. I think I even looked up cheats for it cause I was curious but then I noticed the video on cheating for it was a joke.. I was genuinely ridiculously ahead of the videos I saw even though I didn't and couldn't cheat on it and the way titan slots works is you bet like most slots.. I think you can increase lines or it's automatically all lines but different bets and once you spin IF you win you can keep your win or you can choose to gamble your win but the way it's designed is unless you got really lucky with your spins you have to gamble your win on the spin or you will easily fall to 0 because of the cost of spins... but the thing is if you played the card game well you could potentially get decent profit or even massive profit... And I was playing it and very often gambling it... instead of red black which I wasn't doing too hot in I thought "I bet I could win a lot more if I did the suit guessing " and at the time I LOGICALLY knew that red or black is way better odds and that when you pick it can repeat so instead of 1/4 chance becoming 1/3 next one it remained 1/4 Also the max you could play even if you won it all was 5 I think... so 1/(4^5) = 4,16,64,256,1024X your original win Anyways I ended up doing that and It was like I felt like I knew somehow... even though I couldn't rationally explain it and I would gamble often and usually win all the way to the 4th or 5th.. and keep my winnings most of the time.. I ended up making uber profit... if that was a real game and I had similar results.. I would have bankrupted the casino or severely costed them profit I don't know the actual math of my winnings but I know for certain the odds of it happening were enough to easily say it wasn't coincidence and the house edge was way worse than 2% or 10% because I was only gambling on suits [ 1 / 4 ] [ 25% ] to quadruple it multiple times in a row for multiple bets and I didn't use the free gem to give you another chance [ doesn't let you keep what you lost but let's you bet black or red or suits again and if you win you can keep the amount u win but if u lose.. you've lost all of it and the gem ] I also didn't pay for anything on the app.. and ended up with uber amounts of legit game money and gems [premium currency that can also be earned for free ] Despite this I don't really believe in luck but I also don't believe in coincidence But my main question is: What real casino game with favor house edges can be "Beatable" and for how long and doing what? IS blackjack the only game? is card counting and perfect basic strategy essential or can you deviate a little bit? what house edge is insurmountable that you shouldn't even play it super short-term
The incessant bitching about Noctis banner has to stop(huge wall of text within)
Jesus Christ, this is the most spoiled gacha community by far. I am a 4 year Brave Frontier player and former hard pingu who has also dabbled in many other gachas such as FGO, FFBE, FEH and smaller, less relevant names. It is likely that I have more gacha experience than almost everyone on this subreddit, and I have played as a pingu, dolphin, stingy F2P, and a 'reroll for a week' person on different gachas. By comparison, Alchemist Code is an excessively generous gacha. FGO/FFBE basically required being a whale to even touch high end stuff. I started hard whaling in BF(not just occasionally buying a bundle) because the PVP in Colosseum/Guild Raid was excessively whale heavy, and in BF, Colosseum actually gave good top tier rewards instead of just daily gems/arena coins like in here(aka arena in AC is very skippable). In contrast, Alchemist Code gives the ability to freefarm a good chunk of the best units in the game; Vettel Holy Cav with MA for arena and wind maps/generally being an obnoxious tank, Lofia Chrono+, Rahu Chrono+, Zang with MA, Lucian/Yomi HB, Anastasia J+, and Logi J+ are just some examples of perfectly good units you can beat all content with. For free. If you pull even one copy of any of these units, you can farm for just a few short minutes every day for only 50 DAYS and you'll have them J3, at their max potential(well minus one gear slot). Do you realize how much leeway this gives you? Compare it to FFBE where not having Orlandeau basically meant you had to uninstall for a while, or BF where not having Erza made you autolose any colosseum match. With time, you can build up squads perfectly capable of doing anything in the game, including getting far in arena(even though arena isn't actually massively critical in this game). The whales' inventories of current units can practically afk auto anything in ACGL right now and probably almost until 2019 comes; the fact that you can clear all content for even the next few months without extreme difficulty due to the freely farmable units just shows how lucky AC players are. So, you already get all of this, and then Gumi hands you a 50/50 summon gate of a unit that is so gross that you can easily roll any 'hard' content with considering the game's current content schedule...and you want to go to the lengths of posting tons of rage threads because you wanted Noctis with your saved up lunch money and you lost the coin toss? Really? BF LE gates(the only gates worth summoning on in that game) are 0.5% rates for the unit increasing with .5% every time, capping at 5% on the 8th step...and BF is a game where you pull once at a time and where you have no safety net whatsoever, AND high end PvP requires those LE units too AND high end PvP gives insane rewards in that game. Highest rarity rates are complete garbage compared to the 10% for 5* that AC has on games like FFBE/FGO/FEH...and AC rolls 10 TIMES. Yes, the unit that you get will not be immediately useful often, but we have shards in AC. We have soul exchange shop, we have elemental shards, and eventually almost all of the cast will have hardfarms too. There were games that you had to pull dupes for with terrible rates(like PotK) and there were no replacements besides those dupes. Gumi is not cheating you with a 50/50 banner where the other unit is also quite good(just not gamebreaking). You guys are just spoiled from this game being super F2P friendly. Calm the fuck down. If you want to flame Gumi for anything, flame them for ele res or the Siegfried banner(the one with no guarantee at all and two freefarmable 5* instead of fucking Ignis who is S in his own right and not freefarmable or available in soul coin shop). TL;DR: you guys are hella entitled stop crying EDIT: YOU ARE PLAYING A GACHA GAME. You are gambling. This is like going to a casino and being mad that the house won. You are accepting that risk by going to the casino. If you can't stomach that, stop gambling. EDIT2: USING THE PREVIOUS ANALOGY, JP IS NOT THE SAME CASINO AS GL. That's why whales are favored and both games aren't called Tagatame btw
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